The things that don’t help.

“If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was ‘over’ it. They would ask me how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning to walk and to breath and to live without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before.” -Elizabeth Edwards

I’ve reached the anger stage. I’m not sure what step that is in this. But I’m there and I’m mad at everything and every one.
There are things that don’t help and these things are immeasurable.
A few of my least favorites include:
“It wasn’t meant to be”
“God has a plan for you”
“Everything happens for a reason”

These statements are just the beginning of the ridiculous things that people will say to you.

These things infuriate me.
As if its not hard enough to go through all of this I have to hear “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be”… Oh really then why was I pregnant in the first place. If it wasn’t meant to be I would have never gotten pregnant and he definitely wouldn’t have made it to fifteen weeks.

“God has a plan for you”. First off I lost my faith in god a long time ago and any faith I had left was gone the moment I lost my son. But someone please tell me how “gods plan” works. He gave me this miracle. This other life to care for. Just to rip him away before he even got a chance to really live. If that’s “gods plan” then count me out. I don’t want a part in it.

“Everything happens for a reason”. Please tell me what the reason is. My son was ripped from my body for what reason.
There is no reason.
It is senseless.
It is cruel.

My best friend and I went to the zoo today. That was a huge challenge. While I was grateful for the chance to get out of the house and enjoy the weather. I think it was more then what I was ready for. Surrounded by children and pregnant women. Screaming and laughing and crying. I wen’t off on a woman at the concession stand because she argued with me over a straw. I can’t handle anything. I am in total sensory overload. By the time we got home I was snapping on my husband and bursting into tears.

I’m not sure if I’m okay with this stage. Just being sad was enough to make me crazy. Now I’m sad and pissed off. Not really a great mix. I know that I’m never going to “get over” this.
I just want to know when it is going to get easier.


One thought on “The things that don’t help.

  1. I couldn’t agree more. Of course you’re never going to get over Graeme, he’s your son, he is part of your life from the time you conceived him.

    Some days will be easier, some will be hard. Just remember that each feeling will pass. I find it feels like waves, a few days up, a few days down. The intense feeling won’t last forever. Try to accept the feeling, wallow, and remember that tomorrow will hold something else.

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