Try and focus on the positive.

Easier said than done right.

Two weeks since I went into labor.
My body is working its way back to normal.
The bleeding has almost stopped completely.
The tears are lessening every day.
My heart hasn’t stopped hurting though.

I drank my feelings last night.
Not all of them though, if I drank that much I’d be a lot worse off than I am. I’ve never been a big drinker. Usually just a glass or two of wine, or a couple of beers. So I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday.
“A couple of beers can’t hurt.”
Wrong.

I know it’s hard to be around me now. My already awkward sense of humor has just gotten worse. It’s gone from borderline to totally inappropriate. I doubt I will ever be “normal” again what ever that means.

I would have been 17 weeks today. And only a couple weeks away from finding out what he was. Instead. He’s gone and now in a couple weeks we are burying him. None of it makes any sense to me.

But try to focus on the positive, right?

My family will be here. So we won’t have to do it alone. That’s a blessing. I’m anxious to see my father, during all of this he hasn’t really been there. Which is hard for me because I’ve always been daddy’s girl. I talk to my dad about everything. I look to him for guidance and solace but these are uncharted waters and he has never dealt with death well.

A is doing his best to comfort me. Even when I’m inconsolable. I locked myself in the bathroom the other night. I screamed and cried, and begged for him back for at least an hour. I don’t know how to do this. But does anyone ever know? I know it’s hardest on me because it happened physically to me. But fuck, feeling alone sucks.
Everyone is over talking about it with me. I can’t blame them. It’s depressing. And what can I say that I haven’t already said. I’m the worlds most depressing broken record.

Try to focus on the positive.
It’s gorgeous outside. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, flowers are blooming everywhere.
Outside it’s a Disney movie.
Inside it’s a horror film.

Everyone keeps telling me its going to get easier.

When??

I’m sorry this is so depressing. At this point it’s just me venting. I hope that it can at least help someone in knowing that they are not alone in how they feel.

Try to focus on the positive.

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2 thoughts on “Try and focus on the positive.

  1. It helps, thank you. (I know I’m commenting on all your posts like a crazy person – sorry about that!)

    Not everyone around you will understand how you’re feeling, in fact almost no one immediately around you will. Just know that your feelings are totally normal and ok, as much as any of this can ever be. Try not to feel pressure to be any particular way because of others expectations.

    You will survive this. You will find ways to cope with this.

    • Wow. Thank you so much for all of your responses. (you are not a crazy person btw). I feel like my story pales in comparison. The one good thing I can get from this nightmare is finding mothers like you to share it with. Thank you. So much

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