1 month

One month and two days, that’s how old my son should be today.

I have felt every week, every day, every hour, ever second since we lost him.

It has only been one month and two days, it feels like and eternity, and at the same time,  its going by way to fast.
I know I have already posted this quote but I feel the need to post it again because it really speaks to how we feel as mothers of loss.

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow.
– Nessa Rapaport

I just want to go back to the time before he was gone, to the time that there was no fear or pain, just blissful ignorance.

I will never be the person that I was before.
That is evident with every passing second.

One week ago today, we buried our son.
I am grateful for the fact that it’s finished, that the tests are over and he has gone back to the earth.
That has brought me some small semblance of peace.
However the permanence of it is, emotionally exhausting. nauseating. staggering.

We participated in a Ceremony Of Remembrance, held by Mercy hospital  for all of the babies lost before 20 weeks.
I am so glad that they do this  because I had no Idea what we would have done if it weren’t for that.

The service was beautiful, even if it was full of “god”.

It was still very comforting.
We participated in a flower ceremony, where everyone there got to stand up and take a carnation for the child that they lost.
It was so utterly moving, and absolutely devastating.

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The whole ceremony was done with with such grace, they read a lot of prayers and poems, the one that brought me the most comfort was this Jewish prayer/poem.

We Remember Them-Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live; 
for they are now a part of us
as we remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now a part of us
 as we remember them.

It’s the truth, because no matter what I face in life, no matter what decision I make,  any children that I might have, Graeme is a part of us, he will always be apart of us, and no matter what.  We will remember him.

After the service we went to the grave site, Next to giving birth to my son and not being able to keep him, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

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I was overwhelmed by the size of the grave, but more so by the number of children being buried, 21 including my son.
21 babies that were taken away from their mothers and their families, and it was the 8th ceremony that they have had.
Too many children, too much pain.
It is so cruel.

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While at the ceremony talking with my family who came up to be with us, looking at the other family that was at the site with us, my mom looked at me as said  “You know that this is your new family now”   In that I took the chance and said hello to a mother that I felt drawn to from the moment she sat next to us in the chapel.  We connected almost immediately, and over this past week this woman has become such a comfort, such an amazing part of my life. I couldn’t be more grateful that she has come into my life in this. The situation is terrible and we should never ever have to go through this, we shouldn’t have to be friends, but we are and at least now we have each other.

I survive because of the people around me. the people who love and care for me.

On Thursday, we got our answer… Its not the answer I wanted, my and all of my control freakery, I wanted something I could’ve prevented, something that I could’ve fixed but its wasn’t. It wasn’t even close.

Chorioamnionitis.

Our baby died because of an infection in my placenta and amniotic sac.
Chorio caused all of my bleeding and forced me into preterm labor.

1-2%
1-2% of pregnancies are affected by this.

Of all of the shit that could have caused us to lose him, I get this.
Something caused by bacteria that naturally lives in a woman’s body.
Something that usually doesn’t happen until the 3rd trimester.
Something that could have made us sick, or killed both of us.
Something that I couldn’t have stopped happening.
Yes it was an infection and I could have tried antibiotics, but it wasn’t a guarantee.
Not to mention I was asymptomatic.
The only symptom I had was weird discharge, and even that came back normal.
The only way we could have found it was by doing an amniocentesis, which is just as dangerous.

It was doomed from the start.
I couldn’t prevent it from happening and I cant prevent it from happening again.

So yes, I got an answer, but the answer did not make me feel any better.

So where do I go from here?
I am feeling very low, and very lost.

I guess this is just where I’m at and where I need to be for now.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
– Edna St. Vincent Millay
I love you Graeme ❤
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