When the words don’t come

Words are hard to come by for me
lately.

In conversation and in writing.
I feel as though I am at a complete loss.

I’m in a rut.
I know that.
Although I’m not feeling as depressed as I was.
I am feeling rather numb.
There is so much going on around me and I hardly know what to do with my self.

Next Saturday will be two months that Grae has been gone.
Two months.
I can’t even fathom how all of this time has gone by when being pregnant felt like an eternity.
I would be 23 weeks today.
1 week from viability
14 weeks till term
and 17 weeks to go.
Instead I’m here forever mourning the loss of our son.
Still asking why.

I thought that by now it would be easier to do and see things.
Walking by the baby aisle
Seeing gender announcements
Seeing newborn announcements
But it’s not.
It’s the constant reminder that I will never get to do those things for Graeme.

I feel completely lost right now.

So lets try to focus on the things that help shall we?

My husband and his never ending support has been my saving grace in all of this. He has been so kind and gentle with me. Never giving up. I could not survive if it weren’t for him. My light in all of this darkness.

I also could not survive if it weren’t for the new women I have in my life. My sisters in loss. Being there for me in every time of doubt, every tear, every drop of anger or pain. They are the ones that truly understand me. They give me hope that we will be able to get through this. With out them I would be absolutely crazy.

And then there’s my Graeme. His spirit stays with me. I know this because I feel him with me constantly. I see him in miraculous ways.
For example: the other day I went outside to glaze the stones I painted for him and when I sat the stone down a dragonfly landed right on his name and then flew off and landed on my foot. It sat there for at least 30 seconds. At that moment I felt overwhelming joy. It was the first time I have felt truly happy since all of this terribleness happened. I have seen dragonflies outside of my house everyday since then. Even as I write this another one landed on my leg. I would be remised to say that it’s not my son staying with me through all of this.
I feel lucky to have those moments and that faith in him.

He is my faith now.

So as I continue through this journey. I’m going to try to focus on these things.
In hopes that it will get easier along the way.

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Grae sitting with me ❤

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