Silent

I’ve been silent about my grief lately.
I’m tired.
I’m still lost.
As Graeme’s due date approaches I sit here, almost numb.
I know that I am not ready for it.
I don’t know how I will react.
My son is so much to me.
It is so overwhelming that I’m beyond understanding everything that he has become.

I’m almost 12 weeks pregnant.
That added a whole other aspect to this month that I knew I wasn’t ready for.
Don’t misunderstand, I am beyond grateful for this little ray of hope inside me.
I am totally in love with my sweet growing child.
But it brings another vast sea of emotions into my already enormous ocean of grief.

I am terrified. For obvious reasons. Especially as I approach 15 weeks again.
The consciousness I have of our great loss of Graeme is heightened by Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and all of the stories being shared across the world.
The fear is so overwhelming that I opted to stop taking part in CarlyMarie’s Capture Your Grief.
The grief is just to much most days.
It over shadows my joy.

I feel guilty. That I’m trying to bring our next sweet baby into the world just a few short months after losing Graeme.
I worry that he feels like we are trying to replace him. Which will always be impossible. He is our first son. He always will be. Our love for him is forever.

There is some joy in this too of course. The thought that Graeme wanted this for us. That he is watching over us. Probably giggling at Mommy for being irrational about I everything. That he has become this all knowing boy that he would have been here with us. That he loves his baby brother or sister just as much as mommy and daddy. That he is okay with all of this. I know he is around me. I feel it still in every fiber of my being. As always I am eternally grateful for that.

Hopefully as the next few weeks past. And we get through all of this. I’ll start to feel less everything.
All I can do is continue loving my children.
And know that no matter what comes that love will get me through it.

Thinking on a dear friends recent post. Maybe we won’t be shadows forever.

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