It’s been almost 2 years now since we lost Graeme. Honestly just typing that makes me a little sick to my stomach.
The days since he left us have been far different than I ever thought they would. My days are finally filled with the sounds of life with a little boy. My social media is full of happy pictures of a smiling goofy little boy. I’m sure everyone thinks that I’m all better. That the grief is gone.
In a lot of ways I am better. Kurt has given me the love and happiness I so longed for. He has healed my broken heart.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret.
My heart still has cracks.
The pain lingers on.
The grief stays.
And it always will.
My life while filled with joy and laughter is also filled with wonders and what ifs. What would my life with 2 little boys be like. How would they be together. What would Graeme’s personality be like compared to Kurt’s. Would he be quiet, would he be sensitive or would he be loud and goofy like his brother.
When I see two little boys together it will always make me sad. It will always make me wonder. My life will be spent telling Kurt about his big brother. Hopefully in a way that will show him all of the love Graeme made us capable of. But it will never be spent watching my boys grow up together. Which will always break my heart.
The grief will always be there. And honestly I would only have it one other way. My boys would grow up together. But they can’t.
The grief means that Graeme lived. They he was here even if only for a little while.
So the grief stays.