There’s a hole. 

There’s a hole where you should be, snuggled up between your daddy, your brother,
and I.
If I close my eyes and wish really hard I can feel you there. I can imagine the slow rise and fall of your chest, right where you should be laying with us. I can imagine the smell of your hair. The feeling of your little hand resting on me. 

But when I open my eyes you’re gone and my heart breaks all over again. 
It’s been over two years now. 880 days 18 hours and 53 minutes since you left us and I still can see you perfectly in my minds eye. I can picture every detail of your tiny little body. I long to hold you in my arms again. To tell you I love you one more time. To never let you go. 

There is so much I regret my darling son. So much I should have done and I hate myself for not doing. Till the day I die I’ll wish I’d never let you go. I wanted to keep you with me forever. I was just so scared and so confused. They don’t teach you how to say goodbye to part of your heart. That’s what you’ve always been, a part of me. 
I see you in everything, everywhere. Still in the dragonflies and now in your brother. The way he lights up at me, I know you would be the same. 

That hole is there because you will never get to look at me that way. I’ll never get to hold your hand and walk with you or watch you learn or snuggle up with you at the end of the night. And it makes me so very sad. 
There’s a hole in my life where you are supposed to be.  It’s your spot. No one and nothing can take your place sweet boy. So I live with the hole. At least when I close my eyes you’re there. 💚💚💚

I love you Grae💚

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