Overcoming Fear

It was bound to happen.
After you lose your child, you become a completely different person.
I’ve covered that I know.

Pregnancy after losing Graeme though is more than I could’ve ever imagine.
I will be 24 weeks tomorrow and up to this point everything with Kurt has been perfect.
I’ve had no reason to be afraid other than what we went through losing Graeme.
Which as tangible as that is.
It was a completely different situation.
I struggle to remember that.
I also struggle to remember that other peoples losses are not my losses.
A very recent loss in my precious family has shook me to the core, and if I’m really honest with myself.
That’s where the fear has grown.
It’s always there but when people you love go through this devastating loss, everything flows back.
The waves come crashing back in and any control you thought you had disappears completely.
Then the fear just simmers, until eventually it boils over and you lose it completely.
Now I’m trying to pick it back up.
Put all the pieces back together and understand what they mean.
Conversations with my sisters in loss and my husband have really helped me to understand where all this is coming from and how to manage it.

I had to give myself a pep talk last night.
Standing in the mirror, keeping eye contact with myself.
I saw that scared little girl from years past.
The years where everything fell apart. The years that the bottom always dropped out.
I had to remind myself that, that is not my life anymore.
In the years since I’ve been with Andrew my life has been completely different.
Everything has changed for the better.
So the first root of my fear.
The thought that the bottom will drop out.
It’s not real.
It doesn’t always drop out anymore.
I have to let go of that.
I have to put that fear away.

As I stood there and the tears started to flow.
I tried to remind myself that Kurtis is not Graeme.
That our pregnancy with Kurt has been 110% different then our pregnancy with Grae.
With Graeme’s pregnancy trouble started almost immediately and then just continued from there and while I did a lot of things the same.
I’ve done a lot of things differently with Kurt.
And as much as it’s not alike.
One thing that gives me peace and strength is that, Through everything Graeme fought to be with us.
He did not die in me, his heart didn’t stop beating until after I held him in my hands.
If I know anything for sure, it’s that Kurtis is strong like his brother.
The debilitating fear that this precious boy will die in me.
It’s not real.
I know.
I’ve seen him in my dreams.
I’ve told him about his big brother.
I truly believe that he will survive.
I struggle to remember that.

All of which is completely situational, This is all I have.
It is not said to diminish any precious life that flickered out before their birth.
Nothing in the world could diminish their lives.

I just have to hold on to what I have. Because it is all I’ve got.

My mantra must now be
that Kurtis is strong like Graeme.

When I get these “Doom Surges” as another blogger so brilliantly called them.
I have got to remember that I’ve seen this baby boy live and he will.

Everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Fear is contagious.
It spreads like wildfire.
I’ve got to put it out before it consumes me.

Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.
Jerry Gillies

I believe that Kurtis will make it.
I know he will.
Graeme is watching over us.
He is apart of me and a part of Kurt

We WILL get through this.

I believe.

I know.

I love you more than words little boys.