I am not who I was before.

That is apparent as everyday passes.
Life is not what it was.
Life will not be the way it was supposed to be.

Learning to live without Graeme is a struggle.
I struggle to understand a point.
I struggle because there is no point.
I struggle to understand why he is gone.
Yes I know the technical why.
But the why I struggle with is the universal why.
Why did the universe give him to me in the first place if it was just going to take him away?
I struggle because no answer to the why will ever be good enough.

Would I be better off with out having him at all?

Absolutely not.

Making him made me better.

Losing him kills me.
But it doesn’t lessen the joy that he brought to me in such a brief time being here.

I also am thoroughly convinced that the only people who understand how I’m thinking and feeling, are the women who have experienced this.
My sisters in loss.

The brutality of this cannot be explained
It can be put into words
But the true meaning of the words cannot be understood.

My husband and I made our son in love and wonder.
I carried him in my womb.
This child was made of me and the man I love.
I felt him grow.
I felt his life.
I saw his future.
I knew the love he would have.
The love he already had.
Then violently and painfully he was ripped away from me.
This child who was physically part of me.
Made of me.
Altered me completely just by being in me.
Then altered me forever by being torn away.
Physically there is no true understanding with out feeling the life of your child leave you.

It is not just sad.
It is not just hard.

It is devastating, horrific, never ending pain.
And It is impossible to “deal” with.

I have been amputated
I have to learn how to live all over again

And because of all of this.
I am not who I was before.

I never will be.


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